New Crayons

I spent entire MINUTES thinking and hemming and haw-ing over what the new url for my shiny new blog should be, and eventually I came up with something that I think you will all like. If I haven’t explained my affinity for the word “tainted” yet, please be sure to remind me to explain myself at some point.

Until then, please follow this link for a continuation of my obsessive compulsive outbursts, possibly failed attempts at various “new” things and maybe even some cute pictures of that kid I have every now and then.

Sorry to move around so much, but it seems more of you understood than I anticipated!

See you over there.


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Addicted Much?

I can’t stop blogging.

I can’t.

I’ve tried – many, many, many times – but it just doesn’t work.

My MO seems to be switching to a new blog when I get sick of an old one, and I think I’m going to do that again. I’m one of those oddballs who will buy a new notebook even though I own five with plenty of empty space left because my mood has changed. In fact, I am so bad that I will buy the same 300-page, 3 subject Hilroy notebook that I already have, down to the colour, and start over in that one because it feels fresh.

Not being one to disappoint, and definitely not being one to overcome my random bouts of ocd-like behaviour, I am going to change my blog again. I’m sick of this one – it feels crowded with drafts I’ll never finish and tarnished with the smell of new-mom desperation – so I’m going to trade her in for a shiny new one with a new template.

After all – my baby is 6 months old today. That makes me not a new mom anymore.

I’ve also lost that sense of desperation that I felt for so long as a new mom. I feel calmer, more confident, less frazzled and just generally less icky. I can’t explain it, but it’s as though a bunch of things in my wee little brain just clicked and I am feeling… different.

And this blog isn’t suiting that mood anymore. So off I go to jump feet first into the wild blue yonder of wordpress to find a new url and a new vibe.

I’ll be back later to let you know where I land.


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One More Thing…

My kid is somewhat mobile.

Everyone guesses that she will be crawling by the end of the month.

I am the only one who realizes how BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD this is and will be.


I’ll be sure to update as soon as she gets the necessary motor control figured out and lament about the fact that my baby is no longer immobile and therefore perhaps no longer a baby but well on her way to that most dreaded of things: a toddler.

Ugh. Let the baby-proofing commence.


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A Planned Pause

Okay, it’s official: I GIVE UP.

I love my blog buddies, I love writing, and I love being part of this awesome online community that I stumbled into, but I don’t love feeling pressure (from no one but myself) to write, feeling guilty for letting everyone down, or feeling like I’m boring (which is how I feel when I try to think of something to write about) and so… I am going to make the ‘on-again-off-again pause’ I’ve been torturing you all with a little more official and a little more permanent.

Right now I’m trying to de-clutter my life and my mind, and this is one of the things I feel I need to do in order to accomplish that. Hopefully I’ll be back at some point, writin gregularly and adding “writer” back to the list of things that define me, but that time is not today, this month, or, for all I know, even this year.

In other words, I’m going to be taking a  very long break from my blog and I am telling you all about it so that I know that you know and so that I don’t feel guilty or whatever for not writing. I’ll try to drop by and comment on your blogs more often, but I can’t promise anything ’cause I just don’t get the time for that type of thing any more. I get time for other things that are wonderful in other ways, but… well, I’m sure most of you know how it is anyhow, and I’m just going to quit over-explaining and go pick up my daughter now.

Before her tiny head explodes.


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Lost in a Sea of Baby-Related Paraphernalia

I’d apologize for going so long without writing, but, as James has taught me, there isn’t much point apologizing for something you can’t control.

My life has been going about the same as it was going the last time I found time to write – I spend all day with Zoe, as much time as possible with James, and whatever time is convenient for my friends with them. I’ve pretty much stopped going to mom-groups purely because I am sick of talking about baby-related things including but not limited to: 
 – 473 Ways to Classify Poop
 – Anyone Who Bottle-Feeds is a Lesser Mother Who Just Isn’t Trying Hard Enough
 – My Baby is Better Than Your Baby and Here are 23 Examples To Prove My Point
 – 5000 Ways to Take Out Our Misplaced Wrath at Feeling Useless Because We Are SAHMs On our Parters so That They Realize That Our Misery is ALL THEIR FAULT
 – Let’s All Feel Bad Because We Can’t Be Perfect 1000% of the Time,
 and the ever popular
 – I Know I Only See You and Your Baby Once A Week, But I Think You Are Doing at Least 10 Things Wrong and Here is How I Think You Could Improve As a Mom.

I’m not saying all new moms are like this, and I’m not saying that these are the only things that are discussed, but there certainly is an air of baby-related obsession distraction that exists in all conversations that take place at baby groups and it was starting to Get To Me. Also, I found a lot of the topics that were being presented at these groups were geared towards parents who are clueless about babies and highly lacking in the common sense department, and, to be honest and not intentionally snobby, they bored me silly.

Which is the long way of saying “I don’t go to baby groups any more.”

We still go swimming and we start swim classes next Saturday. Plus, we still do our walk abouts almost every day. Our favorite destination is probably to see Daddy on his break, where we both steal kisses. All this exercise must be doing me good because not only am I a ton happier than I was when I was on self-imposed house-arrest (or, rather, c-section and new-infant imposed house-arrest) but I’m also 17 pounds lighter than I was before I got pregnant… which, you know, is not what I’d call a bad thing.

I’m hoping to start jogging soon enough, ’cause I’ve go that whole “running a marathon before I’m 30” thing to worry about, and I’ve learned that there are “stroller strider” classes every Wednesday morning at the running shop just two blocks from here, where you drop in and pay your twoonie and go running with other moms and their babes and an instructor. So far I’ve psyched myself out every Wednesday morning (all three of them) since I heard about this, but at some point I am definitely going to get involved in that.

Otherwise, my life marches on, one day at a time, much as it has for the last five months, and I am learning and growing along with my gorgeous daughter on a daily basis. I’m so lucky to be able to stay home with her, and so lucky that I have such an understanding husband who goes to work and helps with the chores and loves and supports me in all of this craziness as well!

Okay. She is screaming in my general direction in an attempt to leave her Daddy in the dust and get back in my arms, so off I go! I will post pictures later, if I can find a few more minutes.



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Every Woman has Her Number

I’ve already written most of the “why James and I decided that Zoe was going to be an only child before she was even born” post about three times. Then I saved it and forgot about it and went back to it and re-read it and decided it wasn’t good enough about three times, too. And, since this is the fourth post I’m writing on the same topic, this makes it the third time that I’ve started over, too.

The thing about this post is that it’s all wrapped up in a decision we made for a ton of different reasons. And unlike some other decisions I’ve made in my life, this particular one didn’t have two or three BIG reasons accompanied by a ton of little reasons – this one just had a seemingly endless supply of little reasons, and every single one of them can be argued with.

Firstly, and probably ultimately most importantly, my husband and I are, despite appearances, introverts. We were concerned that we would end up with several very social children, and since we are the types who are easily tired out by extroverts (especially extroverts in large quantities) we figured that it would be better for our family dynamic if we had either 3 introverts or 2 introverts and 1 extrovert. This way all of us will be able to have some time to ourselves, James and I will be able to spell each other off if and as needed, and Zoe will always be guaranteed to have her own room. Er, that is, as soon as she actually HAS a room.

Secondly? I’m honest enough to know that I could not do this type of sleep deprivation and 24hour care again with a toddler around. I would not be a good mom to Zoe, I would not be a good mom to a second baby, and I certainly wouldn’t be a good wife to my wonderful husband if such a situation ever arose. I have always been someone that needs my sleep and, honestly, I have very few healthy coping mechanisms (though I’m working on that) and I think it will be healthier mentally for all of us if we just stop at one.  

Furthermore, James and I are slightly idealist when it comes to family structure, and we know from experience that the more people there are in a family, the less of a chance there is for everyone to be happy simultaneously. This applies, in my opinion, to matters of taste, discipline, personality and behaviour. We knew that if we had more than one we would want to make everything perfectly fair for everyone, but that is rarely the way life works. In my experience, you cannot treat any two children exactly equal all the time – or, at least, you can’t convince THEM that everything is always equal all the time – and the same disciplines, calming techniques and even teaching techniques will often not work. For us? This is a big issue. I think it basically boils down to the fact that we don’t ever want our child to feel that she is being slighted or treated unfairly – life is unfair enough, why should it have to start with your parents who are the two people who are supposed to love you most in the entire world?

We also figure that by only having one child we will be in a better position financially in a number of ways. For example, we’ll be able to go on family holidays more often and (hopefully) to more interesting places, we’ll be able to put her in dance or swim or whatever classes, we’ll be able to allow her to have her own space because I sincerely doubt there will be a time in our lives (besides now, I mean) when we won’t be able to at least afford a two bedroom apartment, and when we go to a school play or parent-teacher interview night, we won’t all need to split up (one parent in one direction with one child and the other parent in the other direction with another child) which will, hopefully, give our wee one a sense of security and family cohesiveness and James and I both feel we somewhat lacked as children (even though he was an only child, but that’s a separate issue all together). The point is that we feel we will be able provide a better familly structure for one child than for two or more.

Financial issues were another huge point in our decision. Neither of us has any useable post-secondary education and it’s doubtful that we will ever get any, partly because neither of us has much inclination, but mainly because we are just both too practical to bother going thousands into debt in order to get a career that we may not like in five or ten years. We had a tiny wedding for the same reason. We realize that we are, theoretically, limiting our financial potential by doing this, and that is another of the reasons we don’t think we should have two chlidren. We didn’t get a lot of help financially, and we’d love to be able to do that for our daughter if she does want to pursue post secondary, or have a big wedding. And, if there is ever a situation in our lives where an emergency arises, we will know that we can deal with it without having to worry about whether or not we’ll be able to eat that week as well.

Basically, we want to give our little girl the best type of life we can. We want her to be well-rounded, and we want our family to be well-rounded, and we want her to have experiences that we never had, and we think we have a better chance of providing this type of life if we only have one baby.

Neither of us think that people who have two or even twenty children are crazy and we certainly don’t think that children with siblings will not have “as good of a life” as single children, we just think that for our family, one child was going to be the best for everyone.

Obviously this is just a little overview of the things we considered, but probably the main things that ultimately tipped the scale.


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Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

If I actually  manage to finish and post this entry, it’ll be a miracle.

I don’t want any of you to think that my hiatus from the internets has anything to do with being completely and utterly under the spell of one of the cutest babies in the history of the Earth.

The fact of the matter is that I have plenty of time to write once she goes to bed, but… well, as it turns out, I’m more infatuated with sleep than I originally thought I was.

I’ve attempted to write several times in the last few weeks, but it never pans out. Mostly, Zoe requires attention at some point during the writing process and I leave my post-in-progress to tend to her and when I finally manage to get back to the computer hours later I’ve completely forgotten my train of thought, my point, and (sometimes) how to type, so I save the post and leave. In doing this I’ve learned that one of my problems as an aspiring writer is my inability to come back to my work. I figure I can’t just pick up where I left off because most of what I write is emotionally-driven, and you can’t just recall a certain emotion every time you sit down at the computer.

Which, you know, isn’t necessarily a bad thing, seeing as how I can hardly control my emotions in the moments I have them, let alone trying to recreate and recontrol them later on.


I just wanted you to all know that I’m mostly fine, mostly sleeping most nights, mostly not insane, and mostly doing pretty good with balancing things. Zoe and I go to the pool several times a week, Daddy has started joining us on weekends so that he and I can both get some time alone with Zoe in the pool as well alone to work out in the pool. The new “Active Living Guide” comes out on Friday and I am hoping to find out which courses I need to take in order to become a swim instructor because I am sick of dead end jobs and I think that teaching little kids to swim would possibly be THE most rewarding thing I could personally think of to do with my life. I also want to be able to each aqua-fit classes eventually, and I want to get to the point (as you all know) where I could AND WILL run a marathon within the next five years, and I need to start a “first steps” class with the local running shop or something along those lines as well.

Of course, I can’t do all of these activities with a baby in tow, so I might have to *gasp* trust my wonderful and fantastic grandmother with my precious tiny baby when I’m not around. Not that I don’t trust my grandmother, I just feel that I’m the mom and I’m the one who should be doing all the caregiving type things and I’ve found it really hard to let go of all of that so far. BUT, if I am ever going to work, let alone get any time for myself (because my poor darling husband is worked to DEATH between taking care of us, the house, his job, and himself) I am going to have to start accepting and even (horror of horrors) asking for help from those around me who are willing and able to provide it.


So… I’ve had a lot on my plate and a lot on my mind lately, and sometimes that just doesn’t translate prettily into cohesive words, let alone sentences that require structure and such, and that is probably why you’ve seen so little of me lately.

Also… Um… hate to admit this, but we have cable television for the first time in about 2 years, and ZOMIGOSH, the TV that exists!! I’m so addicted. Which is sad. And a little pathetic. But once I catch up on all the pop culture I’ve missed the last 13 years or so (since I’ve only had cable once, and it was only for a month or two) I’ll probably be able to write more often. Maybe.

But first I have to find out who wins the “So You Think You Can Dance” contest. I totally❤ Benji, and if I voted for anyone it’d be for him. Or Mooser. I just can’t decide.

Alright – crying baby alert, must run. Hugs to all you out there in the wonderful internet worlds!


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